Sunday, February 12, 2017

It's been a very busy, strenuous past couple of days. We have been working on remodeling our living room and de-cluttering our spare room/storage room.  I can only do little bits at a time because I become overwhelmed by fatigue and pain.  We did manage to get the living room done for now, until we have more money to complete and we are hoping to finish the spare room today.  

There is no basement or storage in our home so we've been using the second bedroom as our pantry/storage area.  It currently houses our second fridge and two small apartment size freezers.  It's also home  to all of our holiday decorations, small appliances that do not fit in the kitchen, tools, vacuum, mops, brooms etc.  So yeah it's a cluttered mess.   

I have been in and out of the room doing one or two boxes at a time for the past week.  We've put most of our decorations in banana boxes and stacked them to the ceiling.  Our canning is on one large shelf and the rest is stored in boxes beside the shelf.  Some of the larger appliances such as the ice maker and rotisserie have found a home on top of the fridge and the rest of the appliances are stacked in the small closet on shelves.  We just have to arrange all the empty canning jars and the tools.  I think I am going to do that today if I can manage to keep moving.  I know I'm going to pay for it for weeks to come but it has to be done.  My hubby helps with all the lifting and moving I just need to sort and organize but you have no idea how hard that is for me.  My level of concentration isn't that great because of the "fibro fog" I become confused and lose my train of though quite easily.  It takes everything I've got to focus on the task at hand.  If I do not stay focused I become overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done and then can't continue.  I have a mix of Fibromyalgia and Peripheral Neuropathy so it doesn't take much to make the pain level go from "I can manage" to "OMG I have to go lay down".  Which is why I do it slowly.  I will end up in a complete mass of throbbing pain, tingling numb feet, hands and knees, and the inability to function properly by the end of the day and most likely for the next week or so I won't be able to accomplish much but at least the task will be complete.

I just have to keep telling myself  "only a few more boxes".   

I'm happy that I've been able to accomplish what I have this past week.  I'm also extremely happy that I've finally been able to purchase my leather recliner sofa.  I've been wanting one for ages because it really helps take the pressure off my legs and allows me to actually sit through a movie without having to get up.  Money is extremely tight so it's been a long time coming.  Working on a loveseat now and then all the little add-ons to make it look pretty.  I will eventually get some pics up so you will be able to see the progress as we go.  It may take months before it's ever completed but as long as it progresses I'm good with that.  Having something to plan and focus on seems to help a little with the depression and the anxiety.  When I feel it starting to envelope me I try to focus on the plans I have, I'll look up products and styles and venture online to look at how others have done there's.  I look for simple DIY home decor and crafts that I might possibly be able to do "Pin" them all.  Hoping that if someday this pain is managed and the concentration becomes a little more managed, I just might be able to do some.

OK, well time to head off and get some breakfast so I can take my pills and then off to complete the organization of that "catch-all" room.

Monday, February 6, 2017

No Bariatric Surgery ..... Yet!

OK, so I know you're asking "Did you have the Bariatric Surgery"?  The answer is "NO"!  Not because I don't want to.  They will not do my surgery until my blood sugar is lower.  I am so pissed at myself for not being able to do that one simple thing.  I mean after all, the one thing I've truly wanted is to be thinner, to be able to wear normal sized clothing, too look good in a pair of shorts. I've wanted to be able to swim, ride a bike with my hubby, go on long trail and beach walks once again. All those wonderful things we used to do and I can't any longer.  To be able to do that, all I have to do is cut out the damn sugar!  Can I? It seems not
It seems I have a struggle in my head.  My head is telling me I need to do this for my own survival but my head is also telling me "hey your going to be 52 you don't really need to do this".  I have a huge argument going on in my head daily and the sugar always wins. 

I am an addict ... not to cigarettes, not to cocaine, not to weed, not to alcohol, nope none of that!  I am addicted to something far more dangerous for me, I am addicted to sweet sugary and bad for you food. Give me bread, cookies, cake, chips, ice cream, pasta rice, yep I am totally hooked and even though at this point my life depends on it, I just keep shoving the thoughts aside and satiate myself the only way I know how, with food.

So no, the surgery has not happened because my blood sugar is far too high which makes the risk of infection far to high.  I really do need this done for my health, so I need to find a way to quit.  I have to gain control again and I'm just not sure how to do that.

I have other major health issues going on, some related to the diabetes and others I'm sure are some how related.  I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and let me just say the pain is unbelievable! The fatigue is completely paralyzing and both are never-ending.  I have diabetic neuropathy which just amplifies the pain and makes it almost impossible to have even a minute of relief.  I am on numerous medications but I have yet to determine whether they help or hinder.  The side effects on these types of medications are frightening and I can't yet decide if the benefits out weight the detriments. As you can imagine all this has been piling up and piling up and I have finally mentally snapped.  I cracked and I can't seem to put myself back together.  The anxieties that I was once able to push aside have taken over. My depression has become a monster that looms over me, trying to swallow me up.  I used to be able to convince myself to ignore and go on.  I can no longer do that.  Now everything that happens becomes a major crises.  Everything seems to be out of my control which is hard to admit from someone that was always the one in control.  I think it has all been creeping up on me since the loss of my son, slowly piling up unnoticed a little at a time picking away at me piece by piece until one too many pieces were picked out and I just fell apart.

Hence my return to my blog.

 I need to start coming here and to write, to try and keep myself accountable.  I need to arm myself with all the help and knowledge I can get so I can battle all my vices.  In turn I'm hoping my trials and tribulations will help someone else.  I know I'm not the only person out there going through these exact same things so maybe I'll find my doppelganger through my blog. I also need to find things to do to keep my mind occupied.  The more time I think about something else the less time I will be focused on myself. The book reviews and product reviews have always kept me busy in the past.  As long as I don't overwhelm myself it should help. 

So that's kind of it in a nutshell, at this point in time I am one F'd up lady trying to keep myself afloat.

That's just me NaturallyKimB.