Sunday, February 12, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
No Bariatric Surgery ..... Yet!
OK, so I know you're asking "Did you have the Bariatric Surgery"? The answer is "NO"! Not because I don't want to. They will not do my surgery until my blood sugar is lower. I am so pissed at myself for not being able to do that one simple thing. I mean after all, the one thing I've truly wanted is to be thinner, to be able to wear normal sized clothing, too look good in a pair of shorts. I've wanted to be able to swim, ride a bike with my hubby, go on long trail and beach walks once again. All those wonderful things we used to do and I can't any longer. To be able to do that, all I have to do is cut out the damn sugar! Can I? It seems not
It seems I have a struggle in my head. My head is telling me I need to do this for my own survival but my head is also telling me "hey your going to be 52 you don't really need to do this". I have a huge argument going on in my head daily and the sugar always wins.
I am an addict ... not to cigarettes, not to cocaine, not to weed, not to alcohol, nope none of that! I am addicted to something far more dangerous for me, I am addicted to sweet sugary and bad for you food. Give me bread, cookies, cake, chips, ice cream, pasta rice, yep I am totally hooked and even though at this point my life depends on it, I just keep shoving the thoughts aside and satiate myself the only way I know how, with food.
So no, the surgery has not happened because my blood sugar is far too high which makes the risk of infection far to high. I really do need this done for my health, so I need to find a way to quit. I have to gain control again and I'm just not sure how to do that.
I have other major health issues going on, some related to the diabetes and others I'm sure are some how related. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and let me just say the pain is unbelievable! The fatigue is completely paralyzing and both are never-ending. I have diabetic neuropathy which just amplifies the pain and makes it almost impossible to have even a minute of relief. I am on numerous medications but I have yet to determine whether they help or hinder. The side effects on these types of medications are frightening and I can't yet decide if the benefits out weight the detriments. As you can imagine all this has been piling up and piling up and I have finally mentally snapped. I cracked and I can't seem to put myself back together. The anxieties that I was once able to push aside have taken over. My depression has become a monster that looms over me, trying to swallow me up. I used to be able to convince myself to ignore and go on. I can no longer do that. Now everything that happens becomes a major crises. Everything seems to be out of my control which is hard to admit from someone that was always the one in control. I think it has all been creeping up on me since the loss of my son, slowly piling up unnoticed a little at a time picking away at me piece by piece until one too many pieces were picked out and I just fell apart.
Hence my return to my blog.
I need to start coming here and to write, to try and keep myself accountable. I need to arm myself with all the help and knowledge I can get so I can battle all my vices. In turn I'm hoping my trials and tribulations will help someone else. I know I'm not the only person out there going through these exact same things so maybe I'll find my doppelganger through my blog. I also need to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. The more time I think about something else the less time I will be focused on myself. The book reviews and product reviews have always kept me busy in the past. As long as I don't overwhelm myself it should help.
So that's kind of it in a nutshell, at this point in time I am one F'd up lady trying to keep myself afloat.
That's just me NaturallyKimB.
It seems I have a struggle in my head. My head is telling me I need to do this for my own survival but my head is also telling me "hey your going to be 52 you don't really need to do this". I have a huge argument going on in my head daily and the sugar always wins.
I am an addict ... not to cigarettes, not to cocaine, not to weed, not to alcohol, nope none of that! I am addicted to something far more dangerous for me, I am addicted to sweet sugary and bad for you food. Give me bread, cookies, cake, chips, ice cream, pasta rice, yep I am totally hooked and even though at this point my life depends on it, I just keep shoving the thoughts aside and satiate myself the only way I know how, with food.
So no, the surgery has not happened because my blood sugar is far too high which makes the risk of infection far to high. I really do need this done for my health, so I need to find a way to quit. I have to gain control again and I'm just not sure how to do that.
I have other major health issues going on, some related to the diabetes and others I'm sure are some how related. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and let me just say the pain is unbelievable! The fatigue is completely paralyzing and both are never-ending. I have diabetic neuropathy which just amplifies the pain and makes it almost impossible to have even a minute of relief. I am on numerous medications but I have yet to determine whether they help or hinder. The side effects on these types of medications are frightening and I can't yet decide if the benefits out weight the detriments. As you can imagine all this has been piling up and piling up and I have finally mentally snapped. I cracked and I can't seem to put myself back together. The anxieties that I was once able to push aside have taken over. My depression has become a monster that looms over me, trying to swallow me up. I used to be able to convince myself to ignore and go on. I can no longer do that. Now everything that happens becomes a major crises. Everything seems to be out of my control which is hard to admit from someone that was always the one in control. I think it has all been creeping up on me since the loss of my son, slowly piling up unnoticed a little at a time picking away at me piece by piece until one too many pieces were picked out and I just fell apart.
Hence my return to my blog.
I need to start coming here and to write, to try and keep myself accountable. I need to arm myself with all the help and knowledge I can get so I can battle all my vices. In turn I'm hoping my trials and tribulations will help someone else. I know I'm not the only person out there going through these exact same things so maybe I'll find my doppelganger through my blog. I also need to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. The more time I think about something else the less time I will be focused on myself. The book reviews and product reviews have always kept me busy in the past. As long as I don't overwhelm myself it should help.
So that's kind of it in a nutshell, at this point in time I am one F'd up lady trying to keep myself afloat.
That's just me NaturallyKimB.
Labels:
Bariatric Surgery
,
depression
,
Just chatting
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