Monday, February 6, 2017

No Bariatric Surgery ..... Yet!

OK, so I know you're asking "Did you have the Bariatric Surgery"?  The answer is "NO"!  Not because I don't want to.  They will not do my surgery until my blood sugar is lower.  I am so pissed at myself for not being able to do that one simple thing.  I mean after all, the one thing I've truly wanted is to be thinner, to be able to wear normal sized clothing, too look good in a pair of shorts. I've wanted to be able to swim, ride a bike with my hubby, go on long trail and beach walks once again. All those wonderful things we used to do and I can't any longer.  To be able to do that, all I have to do is cut out the damn sugar!  Can I? It seems not
It seems I have a struggle in my head.  My head is telling me I need to do this for my own survival but my head is also telling me "hey your going to be 52 you don't really need to do this".  I have a huge argument going on in my head daily and the sugar always wins. 

I am an addict ... not to cigarettes, not to cocaine, not to weed, not to alcohol, nope none of that!  I am addicted to something far more dangerous for me, I am addicted to sweet sugary and bad for you food. Give me bread, cookies, cake, chips, ice cream, pasta rice, yep I am totally hooked and even though at this point my life depends on it, I just keep shoving the thoughts aside and satiate myself the only way I know how, with food.

So no, the surgery has not happened because my blood sugar is far too high which makes the risk of infection far to high.  I really do need this done for my health, so I need to find a way to quit.  I have to gain control again and I'm just not sure how to do that.

I have other major health issues going on, some related to the diabetes and others I'm sure are some how related.  I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and let me just say the pain is unbelievable! The fatigue is completely paralyzing and both are never-ending.  I have diabetic neuropathy which just amplifies the pain and makes it almost impossible to have even a minute of relief.  I am on numerous medications but I have yet to determine whether they help or hinder.  The side effects on these types of medications are frightening and I can't yet decide if the benefits out weight the detriments. As you can imagine all this has been piling up and piling up and I have finally mentally snapped.  I cracked and I can't seem to put myself back together.  The anxieties that I was once able to push aside have taken over. My depression has become a monster that looms over me, trying to swallow me up.  I used to be able to convince myself to ignore and go on.  I can no longer do that.  Now everything that happens becomes a major crises.  Everything seems to be out of my control which is hard to admit from someone that was always the one in control.  I think it has all been creeping up on me since the loss of my son, slowly piling up unnoticed a little at a time picking away at me piece by piece until one too many pieces were picked out and I just fell apart.

Hence my return to my blog.

 I need to start coming here and to write, to try and keep myself accountable.  I need to arm myself with all the help and knowledge I can get so I can battle all my vices.  In turn I'm hoping my trials and tribulations will help someone else.  I know I'm not the only person out there going through these exact same things so maybe I'll find my doppelganger through my blog. I also need to find things to do to keep my mind occupied.  The more time I think about something else the less time I will be focused on myself. The book reviews and product reviews have always kept me busy in the past.  As long as I don't overwhelm myself it should help. 

So that's kind of it in a nutshell, at this point in time I am one F'd up lady trying to keep myself afloat.

That's just me NaturallyKimB.



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